still changing...

Okay.

I am absolutely still learning how to take things slower, plan and goal set. As I’m writing this, I can hear the YouTube video my Little is watching just a few feet away and I’m cringing on the inside. Why is it so hard to get rid of electronic devices???? For the husband and the child? I’m still working on this. Stay tuned…

In my last post, I was updating all of you on my career changes. As of January 7th, I am an independent in the workplace! I am in the process of getting together a business license, figuring out the degree of the services I will be providing, and, honestly, working freelance services to make money to continue to fund it all in the process. Has working for myself been gratifying? Yes. Has it been as easy as I thought? Nope. Not at all. It’s actually been quite terrifying.

You see, I’m used to frenzy. Craziness. Constantly running and flying by the seat of my pants. All. Of. The. Time. I am being completely honest when I say this, but I don’t know how to calm down and chill out anymore. Sure, I can relax and watch Netflix with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, but the new entrepreneur in me can easily combat that and say, girl, stop, you really can’t be spending $5 on a tiny pint of ice-cream these days. Go generic! I mean relaxing and working simultaneously. Now that I have what seems like all the time in the world without nearly as many duties, and not nearly as many people demanding something of me, I am learning that over time I may have conditioned myself to excel in the drama, be great when I’m crunched for time, and secretly enjoy complaining about work, but at the same time thriving amidst it all. Now, there are some days I find myself sitting at the desk setup that my husband created for me looking at my hands, writing lists of things that are imperative to get done, and what do I do??? Look at them. I plan and write them in millions of different places (in color of course) and think about how to get them done, without actually doing them. At three o’ clock, when I’ve finally gotten my mind “right,” I know my Little will be home from school and I immediately shift to mommy mode, work forgotten.

Who would have thought this would be a problem?

Two projects that I am working on are my more dominant sources of income and they’ve battled one another constantly from day one. How many hours per day should I dedicate to each? What happens when I find myself working significantly more that I was before I ventured out on my own? That wasn’t supposed to happen! What happens if I fail?

Questions that need answers people. Questions that need answers.

I actually watched a Netflix movie a few weeks back about a young basketball player who had a true gift for the game. His parents were extremely poor, and to make a long story short, after his father took money from his coach for recruitment purposes, he found himself ineligible to play. What did he do? He got creative and went pro overseas at age 14. Imagine the look on his parents faces. Here is their child essentially cleaning up their mess and creating a lucrative job for himself in the process. After watching. I spoke with my younger sister and we came to the conclusion that maybe if we had a harder life growing up maybe it would be easier for us to get motivated and take risks! When you’ve always had a cushion to fall back on, whether it be parents, a nice savings account or a husband with a good job, it can make you lazy. I can admit this about myself, and in this new role I’ve created for myself, I’ve actively had to work around the dreaming and actually put action toward every list, idea and goal I’ve created over the last few weeks. It’s exhausting, and my mind is constantly going a mile a minute, but I’ve noticed some true life change as well.

I’ve felt a change in myself! I take the time to do simple things, like clean my home better. This sounds trivial, but at the end of my weekdays I’m no longer so emotionally and mentally drained that the things that truly matter get pushed off to the side and become forgotten about. Yes, there are plenty of boxes in my day planner that have gone unchecked (mostly writing sessions and workouts I pre-planned), but I have worked out and worked on my book more these last few weeks than I have in months, so I am learning that the perfectionist in me that likes to overexert myself and check off boxes can go hide in a corner somewhere. She just needs to disappear and stay gone! Thank goodness :) And, I’m sure there are some friends of mine who are thinking that I’ve completely “ghosted” them because the cell phone number I had four and a half years was turned in and replaced on my last day at work, and the contacts I saved on a yellow legal pad are floating around somewhere on my desk. That transfer is coming. I promise. Soon!

Most importantly, since I’m being completely honest, leaving my job literally saved my marriage. The hassle of the world that over the last few years has affected us in so many ways has subsided and we are goofy together again. We talk to one another more. And quite honestly, I feel closer to the hubs and am happier to be married to him than I’ve ever been. Why did it take me quitting my job to to reach this point? I guess the easy answer is that it shouldn’t have. If this experience teaches me anything, it has taught me that relationships should come first. Work and livelihood is important, but relationships and the souls that make up those we love are forever. Nourish them. Take care of them. Depend on them for your well-being because it truly is okay.

In the meantime, pray for me and my sanity. Pray for my jumping out on my own. Please. I’m looking to find myself and am almost there.

Stay tuned!

And did I mention, pray please? :)

xoxo

marlena