My sweet baby is officially in Kindergarten!!! OH.MY.GOODNESS.
The entire morning was an absolute cuteness overload. Picture this, tiny child, cutest face you've ever seen, and a backpack almost half as big as his little body. Actually, don't even try to picture it, just check out my sweet baby below!
So, being the smother mother that I am, I took off of work on Monday and Tuesday of this week to help my family get into the "flow" of our new schedule, i.e., kindergarten for my little man, karate after school four days a week and daddy working from home, all before my going back to work with a new work schedule. Whew! (It almost makes me tired just writing that!).
Upon drop off, I assumed that I would have to comfort my little with hugs and kisses. I mean, he's so small, going to big boy school would surely be a scary ordeal. Surely, he'd be scared, right? NO, MA'AM. He was a champ! I actually had to walk into class after loading up his cubby and kiss his sweet little face!
The night before, I didn't go to bed as I stayed awake to pack his lunch, backpack and supplies, and really, to just think about what was happening. As a small baby, just a few weeks old, I had to go back to work and take my little to childcare. It was devastating. I won't elaborate too much, just because it is still a very sore topic with me and still hurts my mama heart. Years later, after a few different child care experiences, here I found myself sitting around the evening before Kindergarten absolutely expectant. As mentioned in a previous post, I found a quaint little classical school, one that I had completely overlooked in my quest to do more, be more, have more, etc., (check out my post in July about contentment) and in my excitement for this new adventure, it hit me hard that the time I fought so hard to have at home with him for so long, was officially gone. I would never have those moments again of nursing, holding and rocking. Ultimately, my dream of being able to be a stay at home mom for him would never become a reality for me. It makes my heart sink admitting that. Talk about a reality check that will pull the chords of your heart like nothing else.
I was genuinely anxious all day. I rested quite a bit, if for anything because I didn't sleep at all the night prior, but I found myself wanting to see what he was doing, and most of all, know what he was thinking. Was he scared? Overwhelmed? Or, like his daddy, just go with the flow, no exuberant thoughts running through his little mind at all? :) I learned a major lesson after pick up, however, all realizations of my son losing his vulnerability were put on hold when I heard about the first day. Given that he had awaken the night before his first day and laid on his nap mat while watching late night TV with me for a few hours in the living room, I was almost sure that he knew that his blanket was attached to the mat. BUT, he did not. Or better yet, if he did, he was just used to having someone spell it out for him the way that I always do, and the way his previous teacher had in his pre-school. In a world where kids know so much at such a young age, sometimes we assume the littles know more than they do. But unfortunately, during my soon to be regular after school "drill," where I will question my little and ask questions about EVERYTHING he will share with me about his day at school, he told me he had a good day, but he was cold at nap time. Picture me rolling my head like the girl from that awful, scary movie years ago, and of course my question is, why were you cold sweet boy?
Because I didn't have a blanket. My heart sank. In my attempts to perfect everything, I didn't do something as simple as go over my son's new supplies with him, showing him how his nap mat cover operated. I really blame myself. While I truly believe he forgot to cover himself up and didn't want to sleep without his blanket like he said, I had already texted his teacher during nap time and she texted me back and said he was sleeping like a pro. So of course I assumed he was comfortable. So while I was okay that he slept well, I will say that I know there is a panic that comes over my face and in my voice that I think he secretly loves when I get into protective mode and he knows already that while I'm at that point, he gets away with basically everything as I work to make amends :) Ahhh...the joys of being a mom. In order to show him that he had a blanket in his cubby too, the next morning for day two, I had his teacher pull his nap mat out and I physically showed him how the he could pull the blanket down and pull it back up once he laid down. He got a kick out of this by the way! And honestly, it made me feel good that I think he now knows that he had a blanket the entire time, and although I didn't explain the way I should have, but mama had prepared him for what he needed once again :). FYI, If you don't have children, there is nothing worse than feeling like your child thinks he is unprepared, or feels like he doesn't have something he needs while others around him do. It hurts doubly when they have what they need and just don't know. We won't even get into lunch, when he told his teacher that he didn't want his HAMBURGER HELPER heated up. Oy veh!!!
For all of you who have sweet babies, good luck to you this school term! We don't get the past to do over, but we can make sure that we are truly living in the present! Teaching them how to properly open their nap mats and all! :)
I pray for my little and his sweet friends at school as they learn to navigate the world of Kindergarten and big boy school. I pray that his sweet teachers are covered by you and your protection and know you on a personal level. I pray that they seek you in all they do! In Jesus' name, Amen.